Director of Customer Relations
It would be wonderful to live in a world where everyone respects each other, honours other people's interests and does not stick at nothing. In fact, conflicts occur regardless of our will. We are engaged in conflicts triggered by other people, and sometimes we instigate confrontations ourselves. While being complex and destructive, it is possible to chalk such situations up to experience and even get additional motivation and resources for development. Therefore, it would be good to know how to behave properly, so that you can keep your interests and not burn your opponent to ashes.
Do the homework
First, determine if there is an actual conflict.
The situation can be deemed conflicting if:
- There are opposing points of view or different solutions to the same problem
- There is active resistance accompanied by emotional stress
- Active participants in the work process constantly support active conflict.
Check which of the three conflict phases you are currently in:
- Awareness: Persons in conflict notice that their positions on the discussed issue vary and try to convince each other that only their point of view or proposal is true.
- Strategy: The parties understand that it will not be easy to agree, and they choose a further behaviour pattern.
- Action: The parties take actions in line with the chosen strategy depending on the ultimate goal.
Understand the cause
Contradictions are not necessarily objective. They may also be subjective and even imaginary/invented. Conflicts often occur due to the lack of communication, when the parties do not understand their positions or expectations. Ask questions, clarify, and try to understand. Once you find the cause, it will be easier for you to pick the right line of conduct.
Choose the right strategy
Analyse the situation and determine the efficient behaviour pattern. Remember that there is no right answer. Each style will be effective only in certain circumstances.
American psychologists Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann have developed the most appropriate conflict strategies envisaging five possible behaviour patterns:
- Avoiding, or Turtle
The parties seek to evade the conflict by all means, unwilling or unable to make a decision here and now. Perhaps, the issue or situation that led to the conflict is not crucial to you, you do not consider it necessary to spend time and effort to resolve it. Or you need time to articulate your position. In the first case, you can change the discussed subject or simply refuse to continue the conversation. In the second case, take a break and return to the issue later, making a decision and preparing arguments to defend your point of view. Remember that an unresolved issue will re-emerge sooner or later, and you still have to resolve it.
- Accommodating, or Bear
The desire to mitigate, defuse the conflict, and accommodate to it. If you see that the discussed issue is crucial for your opponent, and not of essence to you, then this approach may be used. By sacrificing your interests, you can mitigate the conflict and not get on the wrong side. Those who are able to adapt to any situation are very comfortable and often well-liked, but be careful, you shall not always take the opponent's point of view, otherwise you will finally lose credibility and be known as a rubber stamp.
- Competing, or Shark
Either party seeks to initiate an open confrontation to achieve its own goals. Such tactics will work only if you have enough will to win, you are ready to sacrifice good relations in achieving your goal to the detriment of other people and not afraid to be known as a monster by acting aggressively. This strategy is very energy-intensive, and it shall be chosen only when the victory is the only possible option for you.
- Collaborating, or Owl
The conflicting parties seek to cooperate, and they want to achieve their goals by finding a joint solution. In this case, both parties actively participate in the resolution of the conflict by listening attentively to the opponent. Be prepared for the fact that the final agreement will require time and good negotiation skills. It is the best option when both parties communicate their interests and then discuss them together. Thus, the conflict comes to nothing.
- Compromising, or Fox
The parties seek to compromise and resolve the dispute through mutual concessions. In this case, both parties make concessions by partially fulfilling wishes of the opponent and respecting each other's interests. As a result, no one gets the desired result, but it may be the only option when all other methods have already been tried and not led to a solution.
Work out
A conflict requires two parties. Let the opponent cool down and speak out, and do not let your emotions run away with you. Ask questions, ask for advice, you can even ask what your opponent is trying to achieve by raising his/her voice. If at any moment you lose grip and start shouting or piling on the accusations in response, just stop. Remember that any issue can be solved, but not any relationship can be got back on track.
Show respect. Do not say that the opponent does wrong. It's better to say about your feelings. Explaining your position, use "I-statements", say "I'm upset with the situation" instead of "you got me".
Try to speak clearly, and carefully choose words to avoid ambiguity. Avoid conflict-provoking words, i.e. words or actions that trigger or aggravate the conflict. Also, pay attention to conflict-provoking words that your opponent uses, and do not give in to it.
Conflict-provoking words include:
- Undeserved and humiliating reproaches
- Persistent advice, edification
- Negative generalizations, labelling
- Inappropriate irony, humour used against the opponent
- Offensive language
- Constant interruption.
Choose the right strategy, defend your interests and positions and bear in mind that the best conflict is no conflict. Try to achieve your goals with no confrontation.
